Can We Just Both Pretend To Sleep?
by Mandithegleek
Summary: We weren't always so messed up, at one point we loved each other. But when your heart rules your head, you start to pretend. We pretend things are better than they really are, that things aren't spiraling out of control and we mostly pretend that Kendall and I weren't slowly destroying each other. AU Kendall/OC


AN: Hey guys this a Kendall/OC oneshot I wrote. Originally this was a Marianas Trench oneshot bit I deleted it and decided to adapt it to BTR if you like it let me know! Could trigger! Let me know if I should expand it. Thanks. ALSO THIS IS BASED OFF THE SONG "BY NOW" BY MARIANAS TRENCH PLEASE LISTEN TO IT AND WATCH THE MUSIC VIDEO!

Things weren't always this fucked up. We didn't always hurt each other, at one point we were in love but we became each others fucked up kryptonite. At least Kendall was mine.

In the beginning, we were happy. In my shitty apartment far away from the judgmental eyes of Palm Woods between tours and recording. The guys and I were all friends but things were quickly taking a turn for the worse. I don't blame him for what happened but he played a big part in it.

It started as binging and purging, he'd make himself sick and I'd pretend I didn't notice. Big Time Rush's fame had taken its toll. In return he'd pretend he didn't see me skip meals. It was our secret, he held it over my head and I did the same for him. Deep down we both knew how twisted this was but we didn't care he loved me and I was crazy about him.

With our problems pushed into the deepest parts of our minds we went on, carelessly. It started snowballing from there. A few drinks there, a few drinks here until we both wanted more. So, with nicotine, alcohol and lust flowing through our bodies Kendall relapsed. Sinking into the temptation he had once conquered back in the early days of the band, when he was 18. Still to this day I don't know which is sadder, the fact that he relapsed or the fact that I didn't really care as long he stayed with me.

In some ways it's probably his fault that I'm so fucked up now. I had never touched the stuff in my life but when the liquor, pot and cigarettes wouldn't cut it I couldn't help it. The way his skilled hands fixed the band around my arm, the way the needle bit my skin and the instant rush I felt. There was nothing that turned me on more than watching Kendall's pupils shrink from the drug and grow from my touch. Heroin was what I had been looking for.

So maybe Kendall did get me hooked, but maybe this was what I had coming. We both had addictive personalities and I was addicted to two things: Kendall Knight and heroin. I couldn't tell which I loved more, my boyfriend or the drugs he pumped into my veins.

Dating an addict wasn't too bad, no worries about hiding track marks, someone who was there when you came down from the high and someone to share everything with.

By the one year mark of our relationship things had shifted rapidly. Big Time Rush was pretty much none existent, seeing that Kendall had lost a little more than 40 pounds and was too high to function most of the time. I myself was a skeleton most of the time and always looking for a fix. Be it drugs or sex I needed both. Kendall and I were in love, I don't know if it was with each other or the drugs but either way we were hooked.

With Kendall everything felt different. The sex was better, the alcohol was stronger, the highs lasted longer, but never long enough and the tempers were more explosive.

I knew things were spiraling out of control. By his 23rd birthday and my 21st neither of us worked, bills were hardly paid and food was barely a real necessity. We had each other, but the real wake up call was when drugs meant more to him than I did.

We sat in our trashed living room, both out of it, Kendall was completely intoxicated and coming down from his mix of heroin, sex and vodka. I needed more, I craved it. I had stumbled into our room and got into his personal stash of the drug and the pills. Helping myself was a mistake. Because before I knew we were shouting at each other.

"Greedy bitch!"

"Selfish asshole!"

Those were some of the more polite insults that left our mouths. His green eyes burned with anger and the night ended with unimaginable highs, angry sex and with a black eye, spilt lip and bruised cheekbone on my part.

A few days later the same thing happened, ending with more bruises and his shaking hands sliding a small ring onto my finger. Engagement as a peace offering and I was more than happy to accept and pretend everything would be okay.

We hated each other by now, a year and half had flown by us. By now it was the middle of December just enough money for heat, water, drugs and food. We were busy blowing most his band money on drugs. Kendall was getting worse and worse, he was greedy and selfish. I was more and more addicted to him and drugs each passing day. He was almost enough to get me high. Almost. The winter passed with more holes in the drywall from his fists, and more bruises littering my destroyed body.

I loved him, we had been taking each other for granted. Sometimes the one you want is not the one you need. Even now as I sit in the ER wrapped in blanket, numb from the shock of it all. My fingers absentmindedly playing with diamond on my left hand that I wouldn't let him steal. My nose broken and faced bruised from Kendall, whose fighting an overdose. I don't regret a moment of it, part of me knows our fucked up fairytale will have to end. But right now sitting here looking through the window at him as his body convulses I don't know if I can handle that. Deep down I know that I'm selfish. I know that both of us deserve to be clean and that we can't pretend what we have is healthy. I also know that his child growing inside me deserves better, she deserves better than two addicted parents, eventhough her father has no knowledge of her existence.

By now it's too late, as I watch them call the time of death no tears come right away. His body is still, his thinning blonde fringe covering his eyes, he's gone. And the fucked up things is all I can think of is that at least I won't have to share anymore...


End file.
